I have wondered all along,
What it is like to be wrong
I have never felt like I belong,
Yet, here I am writing this song
I am neither here nor there,
Indifferent about any affair
Going through life thinking,
What is it that I am missing?
Desensitization, is what I am subjected to
Stupidity, is all that I am accustomed to
Intelligence was only a façade,
it was blindness masquerading in what I thought I had
It feels like I'm in an abyss,
in an abyss of absence
Absence which hinders any form of bliss,
which creates the very notion of numbness
I hope one day reason will triumph
beyond tradition, beyond even today's science
Sunday, September 07, 2008
It all started one night in a secluded dark alleyway. She was moving as fast as she could without actually running. In her mind, running would be a sign of weakness. Predators would be alarmed by loud foot steps and sense the fear, or so she thought. Thinking of all the news stories she read lately about girls going missing and coming back not recalling anything from the moment they went missing but whom otherwise seem like their true selves made her heartbeats race. She hears footsteps behind her. She walks faster. Footsteps getting louder. She simply could not take it anymore and turned around suddenly whilst readying her lungs for some serious "Help me" screams. Nothing but a cat and her two little kittens trying to eat whatever they can from the garbage can. Saying she was relieved would be an understatement. She was more than relieved. She was almost ecstatic about it. That's how she was, every feeling was very much shown and expressed without constraints. Sometimes those feelings seem out of place but in her mind they were as normal as any natural emotion in any given situation. Seeing the cats comforted her. It reassured her that no one was behind her and she was right. No one was behind her. The predator was in fact, right beside her, crouched in a corner, ready to leap on to his prey and paralyse it! But the predator didnt. It did not seem right to him for some reason. He stayed crouched as he saw her walk out the alleyway and on to the main road. A feeling of disgust arose from within him. A disgust in himself and how he handled the situation. A situation he has experienced numerous amounts of times in the past. He got up and started making his way back home. "The Great George, my ass" he murmured to himself.
She got up the front steps to her apartment building. Got the keys out from her purse and used it to get inside. "Is that you, Janet?" a familiar voice was shouting from somewhere inside the apartment. "Yes dad, its me" Janet answered in an exasperated tone.
"Your mom is dead" said her dad, out of the blue.
"I killed her... I did. I told her I would take care of her but I lied. I told her we could beat this... this... but I wasnt by her side. I had to work to be able to afford the medication. But she died because I wasnt there beside her. And she died today because of me"
"Dad, my mom died 3 years ago." Janet said in as calm a tone she could muster with what little energy she had after her recent alleyway scare.
"I ... Why?"
"She had cancer. You were always by her side, Dad."
"Yes, you were. Do you want me to make you something to eat?"
Janet took off her jacket and placed it on the coat hanger then made her way to the kitchen. She quickly put the sandwich together and took it back to the living room. But she found her dad already fast asleep. Drool dribbling from his mouth onto his flannel shirt. She took a blanket and tucked him in. This scenario is all too familiar to her. Janet doesn't want to admit it. She doesn't want to listen to the doctors diagnosis. Or to the numerous amounts of tests he was put through. Or his behaviour lately. She can't. Because if she did, it would mean she has lost the only person left for her. And that's simply not something her brain can process. But the symptoms are there, showing their annoying faces to her day after day. One of these symptoms included her dad reliving his wife's death every night. It is painful to watch but Janet tries to make them pass easier for her dad.
Janet is in her bed now ready to go to sleep. She closes her eyes.
"Memory loss, difficulty moving, inability to recall recently heard facts, difficulty embarking on everyday activities, mood swings, and behavioural changes... All symptoms of Alzhiemer's disease. I am sorry" The doctor says.
"No he doesn't. Do your damn tests again!" she shouts at the doctor. But he is no longer there. Looking around, she realises it was just a dream. A very surreal dream.